I sat down to write this post several times during April.

In January I made a conscious decision to discontinue my blogging activities and Toastmasters until April. At the time I had many reasons. My term as Board President would end on March 31. I would have a lull in my day job. I needed to pay attention to some financial responsibilities resulting from my separation. I wanted to take break from chasing traffic and re-evaluate why I was blogging.

However, as I reflect on the circumstances surrounding the decision, I realize that there was more going on.

Heightened Awareness

I’ve said before that I would meditate for 3 months at a time then stop because I started to feel raw and exposed. Last year I broke through that barrier. I got past the hypersensitive period and learned that I could be open and connected to all that is without taking it all on.

After a year of meditation, I became attuned to the people with whom I was in regular contact. Someone would say something to me in confidence and it would be echoed by another in the circle within 24 hours. I could shift the dynamics of a conversation in my presence with a silent, subtle intent. I started playing with my ability to mold the world like clay.

Then, at the end of last year there was an emotional rift in my inner circle. I wasn’t a part of the incident. I wasn’t present, but the moment it happened I felt my heart break into a million little pieces. Then I got a call from one of those present. It wasn’t my imagination.

At the time I was also going through the hurt phase of my separation, having burned through tremendous anger and fury. I thought that the breaking heart moment was because of my situation, but it was a reflection. A deep sense of sorrow descended in my world. I couldn’t distinguish between the hurt of my individual situation and that of my friends. It felt like it was feeding on itself and growing bigger.

I wept for 6 weeks. By the end of January, I decided to turn the faucet off. I changed my spiritual practice from silent meditation to journalling. I shifted from consciously connecting to eroding the crud that was on my heart.

I remained aware and engaged. However, instead of being in it, I observed. I didn’t quite disconnect, but I maintained a safe distance.

I broke another barrier in my state of awareness after the year of meditation and I wasn’t sure I could deal with the level of connectedness and immersion it brought. It was frightening and uncontrollable, so I turned it off completely.

I thought to myself I can’t very well blog about spirituality when I’m not maintaining my spiritual practice so I made the decision to stop.

April’s here now, and with it spring. As I anticipated, my term ended, my house sold, work slowed down. I regained some perspective. I begin again with my meditation practice. This time I know that the connection brings with it an overlap in consciousness with those close to me. I also have the ability to mold the world around me very subtly. I’m told I’m skirting a dangerous border, that I should not be so attuned to other people, but I don’t know how to shut that off without shutting off my connection to all that is.

It is with this information that I forge ahead always holding the intention for the highest good of all. I have no idea when or where the next stumbling spot will be for me. I’m not proceeding with the benefit of a guru or teacher. On the one hand, I feel like I could be making it all up. This could all be in my head. On the other hand, the evidence of my inward, spiritual explorations are all around me - hints that I am on the right track.

I will share my experiences with you. I don’t think that there is some special magic happening here. On the contrary, I believe that I am becoming aware of the Spirit that binds us all. We can all be aware of it. In fact, we are all manifestations of it, to the degree that we allow it to be.

Does anyone else have any experiences with sustained meditation?

In Spirit,
Nneka