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Or…Things You’ll Never Read on a Personal Development Blog

With all the information on this site about staying in the moment and slowing yourself down so that you can be present, I fear I’m presenting a one-sided view to what it takes to live a happy, whole, balanced life. You see, positive thinking is about a lot more than just thinking. It occurred to me that I should provide a disclaimer so to speak for the whole thing.

Thinking Isn’t As Effective As Doing

The trick to positive thinking is to change your mind so that you take more actions that are in alignment with who you want to be or truly are. It isn’t an excuse to take no action at all. While I meditate for 30 minutes a day, I walk for 60, write for 60, work to pay bills for 480, chat with friends for about 90, and explore new worlds through books, outdoor activities, and adventures for about 90.

Positive thinking gets you to become conscious of your life and turn the ship towards more favorable waters, but you still need to row forward. Don’t make the mistake of attempting to substitute visualizations, affirmations, and meditations for daily actions.

Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt

I’ll let you in on a secret…the more vehemently you deny your situation, the stronger the emotions behind it and the more you create it.

Acknowledge the situation. Accept how you feel about it. Take responsibility for it. Own it. Finally, open yourself up to the solution for it and be willing to take the necessary actions.

Put Down the Hammer

Have you replaced your concept of original sin with the idea that you’ll experience hell on earth with your negative thinking? Give yourself a break!

Imagine that you’ve just realized the profound effect that your thoughts have on your life, or even that you’ve known for years. Do you think it’s more helpful to guilt yourself into thinking something positive when you find yourself with a negative thought? Wouldn’t it be more productive to acknowledge the negative thought and where it’s coming from and think instead “I prefer something better”?

For example, let’s say that you want to be financially free. You’re in a generally positive space about your finances and you can see the light. A bill collector calls about something that you overlooked. You begin to feel overwhelmed, angry, even a bit despondent. You become conscious that the thoughts about worry are starting to surface. You can say to yourself, “Crap, there I go again worrying about the situation. No wonder I continue to create this financial situation.” Or, you could put down the hammer and think, “Crap, I can’t believe I overlooked that bill. I’m really frustrated about this situation, but I can see the light. I’m really glad I finally have the resources to take care of this.”

One Thought Does Not A Positive Thinker Make

You make yourself think that life is great for 5 minutes a day, but the other waking minutes are spent fretting about bills, your health, and children. Which do you think wins out? Likewise, you’re running along in the poppy fields in your mind, but a negative thought about a co-worker pops up, do you beat yourself over the head for having that one “bad” thought?

Positive thinking works on dominant thoughts and feelings, not the once a day stuff. What’s your overriding thought about money? By and large, do you feel as though all your needs are met, that you have more than enough to spend, share, and spare? If one thought of worry seeps in it won’t mess up your entire mood. On the flip side, do you feel like you are always struggling to stay alive, do you spend every waking moment worrying? Right before bed you think, ah well, I’m going to be financially free someday. That one thought of financial freedom is drowned out in the sea of worry.

When You Jump Across the Grand Canyon You Might Fall In

Let’s stick with the money analogy. If you are constantly worried about money and you want to be financially free, it might be helpful to begin with the idea of having enough. You can make a small step from worrying about not having enough to thinking that you have enough. If even that’s a leap, you can begin by being grateful that you have enough in this moment to have a roof over your head NOW. Let go of tomorrow or next week or the end of the month. Right now you have enough to have a roof over your head.

It doesn’t make much sense to go from compulsively worrying about where your next dollar is coming from to thinking that you will work a 4-hour week. Give your mind some time to traverse the distance between those two worlds. As you take baby steps in your thinking, along with the actions to back them up, you gain success. Success fuels you to change your thoughts a bit more. Before you know it your mind is exactly where you want it and your reality is falling into alignment with it.

There’s Hope

By now, if you kept reading, you’re probably thinking what’s the point. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Not really. The thing is that you have to take baby steps. If you find yourself in an overwhelmingly negative situation and you’re thinking negatively, shift just a bit and take some action out of the situation. You’re like the donkey in the ditch. You have to take a step up and shake of the dirt, take a step up, then shake off the dirt. Before you know it you’ll be at the top of the heap.

In Spirit,
Nneka

I shared my story about how I transitioned from eating compulsively to feeling full. I realized at the end that I needed to bring out the salient points, but I didn’t want to continue with the post, so here goes.

I didn’t get this from a book or any particular program, so I’m writing in retrospect how I stopped eating compulsively. It’s like asking your grandmother for the recipe to your favorite dish. She probably doesn’t have one because she does it by feel, but she’ll try her best to reconstruct one for you

Be Extremely Gentle and Patient with Yourself

Be prepared to treat yourself as you would an adorable 6 month old who’s teething. You may get irritable and fussy. You might even slip up, but you know that you are still a wonderful person and you are worth it.

If you’ve been overeating for some time, it’s not just because you love food. Notice, I said “just”. You love food, AND you are using it for something. When you decide to stop using it, and you haven’t substituted it with something else, you will find out very quickly what you’ve been avoiding.

Allow yourself the space to deal with whatever that stuff is. Be gentle and patient. If you overeat at a meal, stop yourself the moment you realize what you’re doing and ask yourself what it’s about. Beating yourself up is not a part of this regimen. Every meal is an opportunity to learn more about your body and your emotions.

Before Taking the First Sip or Bite Ask Yourself If You Are Hungry

Your mind has a lot to do with this, but sooner or later you have to pick up a fork or spoon and bring it to your mouth. It’s scary. I know. You want to do it “right”. It’s really simple.

Am I hungry?

Get used to those three words. Sounds obvious and rudimentary, but you are learning a whole new way of relating to food. If the answer is yes, by all means sate your hunger and eat something. However, if the answer is no, don’t.

In the beginning, it’s that simple. Yes or no.

At some point, you might deign to ask yourself why you want to eat if you’re not hungry. More than likely, you’re not willing to face that question. Eventually, though, your emotions will corner you. You won’t be numb and they’ll start to taunt you. You’ll have no choice but to face why you want to eat when you aren’t hungry. More on that in a moment.

Eat Mindfully

In the beginning, give up eating in front of the television, or to a good book, or even with an old friend. Sit with your meal and savor it. You’ll be recalibrating what your mind thinks “full” is. You’ll be surprised how much sooner you stop eating when that’s all you’re doing.

Try this just one time. Put your fork down between mouthfuls. Do not begin to prepare for the next mouthful until you have completely swallowed the first one. Take a breath in between mouthfuls before you begin to prepare the next one. It feels extremely tedious, but if you do it just one time you will get a good sense of exactly how you’ve been eating and the kind of experience you can have if you really pay attention.

Create a Supportive Environment

Some weight loss programs advocate preparing your environment by cleaning out your pantry and your refrigerator. That’s great advice for rational people. Clearly, they never met someone that would drive to 3 groceries at one o’clock in the morning in search of a quart of Java Chip ice cream knowing that earlier that day said tub was thrown out.

But I digress.

The supportive environment that I’m talking about is to help you to deal with all that stuff that is buried in those pounds. The stuff that you would otherwise cover up with food, but gosh darn it, you have to deal with it now.

For me the supportive environment consisted of a regimen of walking, writing, and meditating. Walking gave me an active way to work off steam in a socially accepted way. I started out walking as exercise, but I soon learned to take a walk every time I felt intense anger in a situation where I couldn’t express it. It helped me to burn off the emotion, without burying it. While I walked, I would have conversations with myself about whatever was bothering me. I would walk until I found a place of peace.

While walking was reactive, writing and meditating was proactive. You would think that only a sadist would go digging up demons, but I didn’t want them jumping out of the woodwork. (After all, there are only so many breaks you could take during the day.) Writing helped me to uncover the stuff that was lurking beneath the surface. Meditation was the soothing balm, not a cover up, but a catalyst for healing.

Later on, I learned to flip through the numbers on my cell phone until I found someone supportive. Anything to help me to work through my emotions and not stuff them down.

A special note here that you don’t want to replace one addiction with another, or one escape mechanism with another. For example, you could stop eating when you’re not hungry, but find yourself working yourself into exhaustion. The idea here is to create an environment where it’s safe to deal with your stuff, not find alternate ways to avoid it.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel Your Emotions

It may not be appropriate to feel angry with the world, but this is a matter of survival. You will begin to feel again and when you do, it won’t necessarily be all those good-two-shoes feelings. You might feel like you just want to rage. Go ahead and feel it. You might feel like you are in the depths of despair. Go ahead and feel it. You might feel like you are sailing on cloud nine. Great! Go ahead and feel it.

Please note that feeling your emotions and acting on them is not the same thing. Just because you FEEL enraged does not mean that you need to ACT enraged. Giving yourself permission to FEEL enraged means that you let it roll through you. You acknowledge it and you let it run its course internally. Sometimes, you might feel like you’ll internally combust if that happens. In those cases, rely on the supportive environment you have created.

Love Yourself Just The Way You Are

This is as hard as it gets.

Remember in Bridget Jones’s Diary when Bridget tells her friends that the guy likes her just the way she is, and they say, “Just the way you are?” Then she says yes.

You need to do that for yourself.

You may not like the way you look in pictures, but so what. It’s temporary. You know that you are a caring, generous, kind, loving, smart, cheeky, funny person. You are marvelous and spectacular, and a great addition to this planet. Give yourself the gift of acknowledging it.

Enjoy the Journey

It’s been over a year since I have been practicing eating only when hungry and until full. I’ve lost 26 lbs, not 52 or 104. It is a process, sometimes very painful. If you want to lose 75 lbs for your wedding in 6 months, this isn’t the way to go. If you want a new way to relate to food, and express your Self, you’ve got a shot.

It’s not one and done. It’s ever evolving, but it’s fun. You’ll discover a person that you might want to have over for a cup of coffee

In Spirit,
Nneka