Why the Long Pause

Balanced Life Q&A: What Is a Balanced Life? Surrender, Powerlessness, and Other Bad Words

April 21st, 2008 by Nneka -- Bookmark on del.icio.us

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I sat down to write this post several times during April.

In January I made a conscious decision to discontinue my blogging activities and Toastmasters until April. At the time I had many reasons. My term as Board President would end on March 31. I would have a lull in my day job. I needed to pay attention to some financial responsibilities resulting from my separation. I wanted to take break from chasing traffic and re-evaluate why I was blogging.

However, as I reflect on the circumstances surrounding the decision, I realize that there was more going on.

Heightened Awareness

I’ve said before that I would meditate for 3 months at a time then stop because I started to feel raw and exposed. Last year I broke through that barrier. I got past the hypersensitive period and learned that I could be open and connected to all that is without taking it all on.

After a year of meditation, I became attuned to the people with whom I was in regular contact. Someone would say something to me in confidence and it would be echoed by another in the circle within 24 hours. I could shift the dynamics of a conversation in my presence with a silent, subtle intent. I started playing with my ability to mold the world like clay.

Then, at the end of last year there was an emotional rift in my inner circle. I wasn’t a part of the incident. I wasn’t present, but the moment it happened I felt my heart break into a million little pieces. Then I got a call from one of those present. It wasn’t my imagination.

At the time I was also going through the hurt phase of my separation, having burned through tremendous anger and fury. I thought that the breaking heart moment was because of my situation, but it was a reflection. A deep sense of sorrow descended in my world. I couldn’t distinguish between the hurt of my individual situation and that of my friends. It felt like it was feeding on itself and growing bigger.

I wept for 6 weeks. By the end of January, I decided to turn the faucet off. I changed my spiritual practice from silent meditation to journalling. I shifted from consciously connecting to eroding the crud that was on my heart.

I remained aware and engaged. However, instead of being in it, I observed. I didn’t quite disconnect, but I maintained a safe distance.

I broke another barrier in my state of awareness after the year of meditation and I wasn’t sure I could deal with the level of connectedness and immersion it brought. It was frightening and uncontrollable, so I turned it off completely.

I thought to myself I can’t very well blog about spirituality when I’m not maintaining my spiritual practice so I made the decision to stop.

April’s here now, and with it spring. As I anticipated, my term ended, my house sold, work slowed down. I regained some perspective. I begin again with my meditation practice. This time I know that the connection brings with it an overlap in consciousness with those close to me. I also have the ability to mold the world around me very subtly. I’m told I’m skirting a dangerous border, that I should not be so attuned to other people, but I don’t know how to shut that off without shutting off my connection to all that is.

It is with this information that I forge ahead always holding the intention for the highest good of all. I have no idea when or where the next stumbling spot will be for me. I’m not proceeding with the benefit of a guru or teacher. On the one hand, I feel like I could be making it all up. This could all be in my head. On the other hand, the evidence of my inward, spiritual explorations are all around me - hints that I am on the right track.

I will share my experiences with you. I don’t think that there is some special magic happening here. On the contrary, I believe that I am becoming aware of the Spirit that binds us all. We can all be aware of it. In fact, we are all manifestations of it, to the degree that we allow it to be.

Does anyone else have any experiences with sustained meditation?

In Spirit,
Nneka

Entry Filed under: Prayer and Meditation

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11 Comments Add your own

1. Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker | April 21st, 2008 at 10:35 am

First of all, you were missed. Like you, I meditate for periods of time and then I stop. The longest period of time that I meditated daily was about 2 - 2 1/2 years. I stopped when circumstances beyond my control (The Universe/God sees the whole picture. I don’t.) took away my teacher. I couldn’t ignore the circumstances. They went against my entire value system. I won’t share the circumstances because others were involved.

I stopped meditating regularly for a very long time. Then I only started meditating in group situations. About 2 years ago, I realized that my disappointment in my teacher and my anger at the whole situation and at God for orchastrating it was why I quit meditating. Only in the past month have I again started meditating more regularly because of a class with Andrea Hess on Intuition.

I prefer silence to guided meditations personally. Usually during the guided meditations, I leave. I still go into the silence instead of following the guide. Usually after the first few minutes of listening to the guided meditation, I reach a point of no longer hearing the spoken words. I don’t bring any messages back from the silence. I just bring back a sense of calm and groundedness.

I don’t know if this helped or confused you.
Patricia
2. Jeniffer | April 21st, 2008 at 12:33 pm

I’m so glad to see you’re back!
I haven’t tried meditating. For me, going for long walks and thinking whatever comes to mind, and feeling whatever I will feel, are as close as I have come to that.
Journaling, as well, is another close thing.
Perhaps this is the year I will try a more deliberate practice.
Welcome back.
Like Patricia said, you were missed.
3. KL | April 22nd, 2008 at 3:14 am

Nneka,

Wonderful to see you come back, you have been missed.

Your story resonates… I understand what you are saying, where you are coming from.

This post is brave, it’s clear, it’s forthright…

As one becomes more and more aware and intune with the All, it becomes more and more important to be objective - to feel yet be the observer of the feeling.

What we think we create…
Yet what surrounds us we absorb…
Are we the creator or the created?

How does one cope with this in a world not yet ready to admit that like a single cell is but part of the body… we are but part of the whole?

Wonderful to see you back
4. Nneka | April 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 am

Patricia, thanks for looking out. While you were meditating over the 2 - 2 1/2 year period, did you find that your boundaries were disappearing?

That’s how I feel. After the 3 months, it’s like a sheering away at my hard lines, like someone scrubbed me with sandpaper and I am hypersensitive. Over time, the rawness ends, but my lines are gone. It’s like I’m merging with the infinite. At first this was fun to explore, but after that incident and I found myself overlapping with other people’s consciousness, I’m more cautious.

What’s been your experience?

In Spirit,
Nneka
5. Nneka | April 22nd, 2008 at 8:50 am

Hi Jennifer, thank you also for looking out for me. I did get your inquiries, but I wasn’t ready to open up and explain my absence.

Meditation, especially silent meditation, is a great way to be still and become aware of Spirit. As I mentioned to Patricia, I find that I am merging with Spirit now.

I am deliberately proceeding along that path though. My intention is to be a clear, pure, complete expression of God. I want to know what it’s like to live in the world and not be of it. I’m not really interested in being a monk or anything. I just want to see what life is like if I really were an expression of God.

There are many ways to express and connect with the Divine. It’s great to find one that works for you.

Cheers,
Nneka
6. Nneka | April 22nd, 2008 at 8:56 am

Hi KL, so good to “see” you. In my email to Patricia I said I wish you were around and now you are here. I really enjoyed your blog when you had it up. You seemed to be a step ahead of me and I could tell what I would experience if I continued to push the boundaries.

So my question to you is what now? As I mentioned above to Patricia, I’m proceeding with caution, but I don’t want to introduce fear into the process. It’s counterproductive. A friend of mine told me that i should zip up my chakras before I come into contact with those that I’m overlapping. It’s not so much that I want to stop it or close myself off, I just don’t want to lose my mind. I want to know that this is not going to take me into Never-Never land.

As I write, the answer is clear - TRUST. Just as I continued after 3 months, I can continue now. There is only God and I can proceed in trust.

In Spirit,
Nneka
7. Karen Lynch | April 22nd, 2008 at 11:13 pm

Your last sentence in the last comment says it…
“The answer is clear-TRUST.”

I am very glad that you are back. You were missed!
My experiences with meditation have been like yours
with many breaks…
I find that what truly works well for me is conscious breathing and centering in on the moment…the what is happening Now.

As for the attunement with others and the molding of the world…that is a powerful thing ….one that needs to be tempered within your highest self….
8. Pamir | April 25th, 2008 at 6:12 pm

Yes, good to see you blogging again.

Meditation is many things these days. Because it has real relaxation & health benefits, it’s being used that way a lot & promoted in this limited manner. Then there’s guided meditation which can be powerful in personal growth, but often becomes an easy way for someone to feel spiritual.

Silent meditation which you’re practicing has for ages been about Spirit. It happens at a soul level. And yes it will sensitize you, but also strengthen. There are powers that may come about.

One way to deal with the melding is to simply notice these perceptions as packets of information. These packets don’t belong to you, come inside you or stick to you in any way. They only increase awareness & perhaps help you or others involved.

As for creation, hey why not?! If you’re connecting in meditation on a regular basis, are aligned with good, there will also be the wisdom to discriminate about your creations.

As for being an expression of Divinity, silent meditation is ultimately the only way.
9. Lyman Reed | May 1st, 2008 at 10:36 pm

My Friend.

It’s so good to see you are back, and sharing your experiences over the past few months.

I’m in the middle of another one of my blogging breaks myself. Thank you for the reminder that sometimes we need to step back and evaluate where we are and the direction we are headed.

And thank you for the recent comments and links… I’ll respond to them eventually.
10. Nneka | May 5th, 2008 at 8:33 am

Hi Pamir, it’s good to be back Silent meditation is revealing so much to me. It gives me new eyes as I move around the world.
11. Nneka | May 5th, 2008 at 8:34 am

Hi Lyman, good to see you here as well. I kept checking back to see if you responded I missed sharing with everyone.