i started meditating 38 years ago, off and on. sometimes i manage to meditate regularly for years, and then it goes again. i’ve read and experimented, had a teacher - and still i can’t say that i have a well-entrenched daily meditation practice, one that i will not forgo no matter what. any thoughts on that? –Isabella Mori

Actually, Isabella, I have quite a few thoughts on that. There are the typical reasons that go along with establishing and sticking to any habit. Psychologists and personal development authors have those reasons covered and a slew of cure-alls for how to fix it, so I won’t go into those here. Instead, I’ll share my story on why I meditated off and on for 16 years and only started a “well-entrenched daily meditation practice” in the past year.

My pattern was starting a meditation practice, sticking to it for 3 months, then eroding it. Why would I erode it? In short, I was afraid of what I was discovering.

In the first days of my meditation practice I would feel the familiar enthusiasm that I would have for any new project. I made it complicated and created a ritual. Sometimes it would be ensuring that my meditation area faced east and that I had a candle and incense. Other times, I would decide to meditate using a guided meditation that I was hooked on for the moment. Lately, it’s been chanting Om Mani Padme with my prayer beads. When I got bored with the ritual, I’d start missing days.

If I made it past the initial boredom with the ritual, usually around 4 weeks after I start, the twitchiness would begin. Thoughts would flood my consciousness. I would go for days of meditating and not have one moment of connection with Spirit. This was completely frustrating because it seemed really pointless to be still for 30 minutes with the reward of just one contact and…NOTHING. Just an assault by my thoughts. At this point, I would throw my hands up and turn in the towel.

After going to battle with my mind for about a month, my thoughts would relent. I survived the battle, but now the really scary part…my world started melting. You wouldn’t know it by reading through the archives here, but I’m a very scientific person. I started learning Calculus at 13, did AP Chemistry in high school, majored in Civil Engineering. I like matter. I believe in it. On the other hand, I feel drawn to explore the spiritual realm. But when my world starts dissolving, I lose my context for life.

At first, it’s pretty nifty. I think something, someone says it. Neat. Then, I think something, and it’s done. I’m digging this. Suddenly, I’m wide open to all the stuff that’s happening around me. Not the stuff that you can perceive through your senses, all the other things happening that are unseen. The really pissy part is that I still can’t see it. It’s just affecting me. My best description is fine sand paper on an open wound. It rubs me raw, and makes me even more vulnerable.

That’s when I stop. I close Pandora’s box. I tell the Universe it can have it’s knowledge. Later for this. I’m going on with my life the way I know how. METHODICALLY. Or is that mechanically?

What was different this time? A series of events converged to make it favorable for me to continue. (Shit hit the fan!) To start, my life was falling apart anyway, so I thought I may as well stick with meditation. It can’t get any worse and I might actually get some answers on the other side.

Second, I remembered a mandate that I got from the Universe 3 years prior: speak Truth, write Truth, teach Truth. I figured if I was going to follow the instructions, I should start practicing. Besides, what is “Truth” anyway?

Finally, I wanted to know for sure. I wanted to see how the whole thing played out. What was beyond the 3 month barrier? Would my world completely fall away? Would I have to go sit on a mountain? Could I really be in this world, but not of it? Could I really become a mystic and what did that mean?

Today, I still perceive a lot of the invisible stuff around me, but I am not bombarded. Meditation has helped me to see life clearly. My fear these days is that my desire is going away. It is replaced by contentment and a sense of peace. I feel submerged in love, joy, and harmony most of the time. I lack the drive that I had when I was “making” things happen in my life. I don’t feel apathetic, but I do feel like I am in the flow. There are still things that I want to happen, but it seems futile to “make” them happen. Maybe, this is what David Hawkins means by neutrality in Power vs. Force.

So what’s the answer to the question, “How do you make it stick?” Decide that you want to find the core of your Being.

Meditation is great as a relaxation technique, but there are tons of other relaxation techniques out there. To be honest, you won’t really get the real benefits of meditating if you do it sporadically. Meditation is not an end in and of itself. It’s a practice to help you know who You are. It’s like dying saffron robes. You immerse yourself in Spirit for a short amount of time everyday then go out into the world. Everyday, you take a bit of your experience with you. You abide in Spirit for longer and longer periods of time outside of your dedicated practice. Pretty soon you’re living in Spirit 24/7.

The Masters got to the point or began with the understanding that they were Spirit and they truly lived it. Dip the cloth in dye enough and it disintegrates. It is one with the dye. You will never have to step out because you will be It in expression.

At least that’s what I’m hoping

In Spirit,
Nneka

This article is part of the Meditation Question and Answer Series. For other articles in the series, you can visit the introduction post.